What would Ed and others do for a klondike bar?
by slinko
Summary: The FMA cast are bribed with klondike bars. But who's behind giving the bars away? And why? And whats your shoe size? Anyways, i've always liked toast. It's just this...thing I have about toast. Dude, toast freaking ROCKS. dosen't it? yeah..i like pie too
1. Introduction

Hello everyone. And welcome to my erm...story? fanfic? i dunno. I would like to give credit to, whoever came up with the idea for 'what would harry potter do for a klondike bar'? They get half credit for these...story things..because they inspired me to make these...story things...So, without further ado, I now present to you..." what would Edawrd elric and other do for a klondike bar'? ENJOY!


	2. Roy Mustang

And now without further ado, " what would Roy Mustang do for a Klondike bar"?

Roy was walking down the stairs. Why? Because he needed to get somewhere. And that place happened to be in the basement.When Roy got to the basement he saw a familiar face. Pride. Ugh. So ugly.

Pride had, like 80 million scars on his face, really untidy hair, and an eyepatch. Ugh. Roy hated eyepatches. Good thing he didn't have one.Oh wait nevermind...Ha ha.

" What do you want Pride?" asked Roy.

Pride got angry at the sound of that word.

" I TOLD you my name is king bradley! Not pride! Bradley!" roared Pride.

Roy rolled his eyes. Oh excuse me, Roy rolled his 'still functioning' eye.

" What do you want _King Bradley_ ?"

" Would you like a klondike bar?" Pride asked.

Roy frowned. Klondike bar? That was random. But he DID like klondike bars. Oh, even the thought of one got him salivating. Ugh. Now he couldn't stop. Roy wiped his mouth.

" Yes I would...Please? Klondike? Klondike? Mine? My klondike?" pleaded Roy helplessly against the power of the ice cream.

" Ah yes, you want it, don't you Roy? Well, you can have it, under one circumstance..."

" What? What? I'll do anything! Anything!"

Pride, eh-hem, King bradley smiled.

" I need you to deliver a secret package to Envy for me. However, You must do it in secret."

At this point Pride gets into details that are far too boring to explain...

The next day...

Roy smiled. Right after he found out where Envy was, he could enjoy all the klondikes he wanted. Oh yes. He treasured his delicious Klondikes. Roy then heard children screaming. No! Not again! Curse these infuriating children! They were almost magnetically attracked to The vehicle he was driving or something! Roy frowned. He would have to shake them off before he could deliver the package to Envy. And so...he did...

Roy opened the window a little bit. Ack! Some of the kids tried to crawl inside! They were monsters!

"Children! Please! I will supply you with all of your silly needs as soon as I- Ok ok! Here's your stupid popsicles! Here! Here! Want one? Here! Take them all! I certainly don't want them!" screamed Roy.

The children were ruthless. They devoured the popsicles in one bit. Oh, how vicious. Roy immediatly drove away from them. Why did Pride make him travel in so called 'secret' to deliver the package? Oh well. As long as he drove the truck in the shadows he was sure to avoid the children.

Roy then got to Envys den. He sighed with relief. He ran out of the truck with the package and threw it at Envys face. Yes! He was done! Now Roy could enjoy all the klondikey goodness! He ran back into the truck and into the back stroage room. He opened up a bow and saw them! The klondikes! Ha ha ha! Foolish pride! He should have known that an ice cream truck would have a huge supply of klondikes! Mwahaha! Roy lciked his lips and began to viciously devour the klondike bars.

" Klondike!"


	3. Edward Elric

Ed frowned. He despised being called a shrimp. And here he was. How did he end up like this? Oh yeah...Now he remembered ...he was offered two klondike bars.

A little girl walked up to him. She was shorter than him thankfully. She has black hair and blue eyes.

" Hi there mister shrimp."

Ed twiched. " Hello little girl." How did he get convinced to stand in a fish market dressed as a shrimp? Oh yeah...He had forgotten that he was offered two klondike bars again...he sure did have a baaad memory.

" You look funny in that shrimp suit." said the girl.

" Yes I KNOW that I look funny." Ed replied.

The girl looked angry. She held out a pulmp pink shrimp that she had probably gotten off of the counter top.

" Talk to it!" she demanded.

" How?"

" Shrimp language! Duh! Talk to the shrimp!" she roared.

Ed frowned. He only knew english. Maybe he could enroll in some night classes to learn shrimp language...?

" Um...Hi there Shrimp" said Ed feeling incredibly stupid.

The shrimp did not reply. It just kinda...sat there...being all shrimpy and pink and stuff...

" Um...How do you do? Read any good books lately?" asked Ed.

The girl frowned and observed Ed closely.

" I don't think you're a real shrimp at all!" she said.

Ed put his head in his hands. This was going to be a looooong day.


	4. Gluttony

Ah...and now we are brought to the interesting subject of homuculi... ...specifically, one. Gluttony. One of the severn deadly sins.

You can reconize Gluttony by his bald head, expressionless eyes, gorilla-like arms, tiny legs, tatooed tongue, constant drooling, constant hunger, constantly asking 'can i eat that', and abnormal all around, fatness.

Gluttony is not one of the most pleasant Homoculi. In fact, none of the homoculi are all that pleasant. But, least of all, Gluttony.

And now, my friend, you may ask me...What would gluttony do for a klondike bar?

Weeelll...Anything really. Gluttony would do anything he could to get his gorilla hands on that nice crunchy chocolate covering, the sweet, creamy, vailla interior. A perfect combination of chocolate and vanilla. Dark and light. Good and evil. Sun and shadow. White meat and dark meat. Yesirre. Gluttony would do most anything for just one. But, You are probably thinking that I have ripped you off. So, I will list some possible things that gluttony would do for a klondike bar.

1: Anything.

2: Revert to the good side.

3: Stop drooling.

4: Kill the other homoculi.

5: EAT the other homoculi.

6: Put the other homoculi in a stew and add some pepper to them.

7: Sell his soul to Edward Elric.

8: Sell his soul to anyone.

9: Join a stand-up comedy club.

10: get interveiwed on the Dr.Phil show.

yes..those are only ten of the many things Gluttony would do. However, there IS one thing that gluttony would not do. And that is: Gluttony would not eat Micheal Jackson. No no no.


	5. Jean Havoc

Jean Havoc. A lieutenant. A somewhat respectable guy. A blonde. A member of the army place. A citizen of centrel city. And, as everyone knows, a smoker. A big smoker. In fact, If you can find a picture of Jean Havoc without a cigarette jammed into his mouth, you would be the only person with such a picture.

Poor Havoc. He was writhering on the floor. He couldn't take it anymore. It was to much for his weak soul. He surely was going to snap! And there was Pride! Watching him with a smug little smile on his face! He knew that Havoc loved klondike bars almost as much as his dear dear cigarettes!

Pride smiled and continued observing Havoc whom, was currently, choking himself.

15 minutes passed. Havoc got worse and worse every second. He couldn't take it anymore! He wanted the klondike bar, but this was surely torture!

And Pride! He wasn't helping in the slightest! He kept on just waving the klondike bar in front of Havoc.

" Don't you want the niiiiice klondike Havoc? MMM...It's goooood." said pride as he took a bite of it.

Havoc began to foam at the mouth. He was not happy.

half an hour later Havoc began to go insane. He was laughing hystericlly. He continuied to claim that he was in pain, and wet, and still hystericle!

Pride almost laughed at Havoc. Almost. Ok...eventually he did, but that's beside the point.

14 minutes and 50 seconds later...

Havoc was counting down the seconds..

10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1!

Havoc screamed and jumped on the klondike bar that Pride gave him.

Oh, it tasted delicious...Sweet vanilla interior...dark chocolate exterior...a perfect combo.

Havoc smiled and stuffed a cigarette into his mouth and began to much on his klondike bar. He deserved both of these items. After all, he HAD just endured one looong hour of no cigarettes ammed into his mouth.


	6. Alphose Elric

Alphose elric used to be human. However, he is no longer human. He still has a human soul, but not a human body. His soul is trapped inside of a suit of armour. He is often refered to as a tin can, a robot, a suit of armour, and to Eds displeasure, the full metal alchemist. There you go, now you have a very small amount of information about Alphose Elric. Oh, and he has a silly name.

Al was a mediocre actor. This would make you wonder why someone would cast him in a play and only give him a klondike bar in pay. Pride told Al that it was because he was born to play this role. The was kind of degrading.

" Let's go down this psychedellic road scarecrow." said a voice from onstage.

" Okey dokie Dorauthy."

" Dude, will you please call me Dorothy and not Dorauthy?"

" Okey dokie Dorauthy"

" Nevermind."

Al relized something. That was his cue line! He walked out onto the stage and tripped over God knows what. But, the important thing was that he tripped. By now you have probably guessed which play Al is in. If you have not, you are an ugly git. No offense to any ugly gits out there.

Dorothy looked at Al. Scarecrow looked at Dorothy. Al looked at...nothing in particular.

" Look scarecrow! A tin dude! I mean, a tin man!" said dorAl othy pretending to be suprised.

" Dorauthy, i really don't ca- i mean...wow! amazing!"

Al lifted his head up and said clearly,

" Gimme some oil you morons."

Al froze. He screwwed up his line! He was supposed to say just 'oiiiiiilll' but he had been in such a bad mood lately and the scarecrow was just so ugly that Al slipped.

Dorothy turned red.

" Um...I think he needs some oil." she said

" Look! Here's some oil!" said the scarecrow as he picked up and oil canteen.

"Funkadelic" replied Dorothy.

The play continued as this so-called normal and finally they arrived at Da Wiz!

" Mister Da Wiz! I need a brain" Said micheal jackson the scarecrow. ( seriosly! He played the scarecrow!)

Da Wiz! searched through a box and , instead of pulling out a lame ol' document, He pulled out a severed human brain! Much cooler.

" Here ya go," said Da Wiz!

" Mr, Da Wiz, I want courage," said the stupily,..er...cowerdly, lion.

Da Wiz! frowned.

"Tough luck kid" said Da Wiz! as he slapped him on the face.

" And Da Wiz! I want a klondike bar. Er! I want a heart."

Da Wiz! pulled out a severed human heart.

" Here ya go"

The play ended after Dorothy did all that going home tapping her heals crap.

Al ran to Pride.

"KLONDIKE!" he roared.

Pride smiled and handed him a klondike bar.


	7. Riza Hawkeye

Riza hawkeye was walking around centrel HQ thinking about how much she loved Roy Mustang. Ahhh...he was so perfect...

" AHHHH!" Riza screamed. The reason that she screamed was Pride. He had walked over to her. And well...if you were thinking about your boyfriend and some ugly guy with an eyepatch and ten million scars on his face walked over...How would you react?

Pride lifted an eyebrow. What was with the screaming? Oh well... Pride walked up to her.

" Hello, miss Hawkeye. Are you busy right now? Because I have an important question to ask you." Pride said.

Riza blinked. Pride probably wanted her to do some sort of dumb task with no point behind it.

Riza sighed. " No...I'm not busy. What do you want?"

" Well Riza, I wanted to ask you if you would..."

Pride smiled and took out a klondike bar, much to Rizas amazement.

" I would like to ask if you would like a Klondike bar.."

Riza paused. Um...What? A Klondike bar? That was random...

" No..I wouldn't...I don't like Klondikes..." she said.

Pride looked amazed and angry at the same time. At tat moment, a charming young lady named Naruto Uzumaki walked over to them.

" Hello there!" naruto said as she walked by.

Pride spun around and looked at Naruto. Pride hated her! So...He shot her...and she died...what a shame.

Riza looked at Narutos dead body. She then looked at Pride. And then back at the body. Once again at Pride. And then she looked at a picture of Roy.

She looked back at Pride. " Why did you kill her?" she asked.

Pride chuckled. " Because I hated her! She was always talking about Saskai! Saskai this, Saskai that! Blah blah blah!"

Riza looked angry. Pride looked pleased. Roy looked hot. Naruto looked dead.

" Anyways Riza, Would you like a klondike bar?" he asked again.

Riza looked at him as if he were the dingle most digusting thing on the planet. She thought it was incredibly rude to kill someone and not apologie for it! Not to mention, she didn't even like klondikes!

" Furher, You killed Naruto. And you keep on asking me about this whole klondike thing. I guess I'll just have to shoot you!" Riza yelled.

Riza shot Pride in the chest. The bullet went straight through him but did no damage.

Riza fired her gun again. This time, hitting him in the head. Yes indeed, the bullet hit him, but nothing happened. He was just as healthy as ever. Such is the nature of Homoculi.

Riza hit her gun. Was it functioning correctly? Pride got fed up with her.

Pride took out his gun, and shot her. Unlike Pride, Riza was not a homoculus. Needless to say, she died. Pride smiled. He may not have gotten Riza to take the klondike bar, but he would be able to find someone else. He was sure of it. Maybe he could tease Maes...or maybe Kain would be fond of klondikes...Ah well...Pride stuffed Rizas corpse into a nearby closet and left to search for his next klondike victim,


	8. Pride

Pride was walking around HQ looking for someone to give a klondike bar to. He had already gotten Roy, Havoc, Riza, Ed, Al, gluttony, and um...was there anyone else? Oh well...he couldn't remember...Anyways, he was walking around looking for Breda.

" Breda! Fatso! Fat-head! Where the hell are you?" He called out.

No reply. Pride sighed. He was running out of people to give klondikes to. But he HAD to find someone before the klondike bar melted! He turned the corner and saw a powerful ominous figure just standing there. He couldn't tell who it was. They seemed very powerful though. As if they could kill him with a flick of the wrist. Oh well, they were probably still human, and they probably liked klondike bars.

" Hello ominous figure. Would you like a klondike bar?" he asked.

The figure laughed and muttered something about a snarf and a badger. The figure then walked up to Pride and took out a klondike bar.

" Now Pride, Tell ME, would you like a CHOCOLATE klondike bar?" The figure asked.

Pride began to salivate. Chocolate klondike? Heaven! Pure delight!

Pride nodded vigorously. " Yes! I would."

The figure appeared to smile.

" Good. Now Pride, there is one thing you must do though..."

Pride lifted an eyebrow. " What is it?" he asked.

The figure chuckled and began to tell him what he must do.

Pride didn't want to do it...but the klondike bar was so delicous...he would have to do it!

* * *

The next day... 

Pride walked into Roys office. Roy didn't notice this. Pride was bewildered.

Roy was dancing around. So were the pandas in bikinis. And some of the pandas were doing the congo around the jacuzzi. The disco ball was shining brightly and the boombox was turned up all the way.

Pride looked around Roys office. Um...wow. Roy had a lot of cool stuff that he had never seen before...

Pride then saw a panda in a bikini running a whisky bar which was previously Roys desk.

Upon seeing the bartender panda, Pride forgot what he was supposed to be doing. In fact, he forgot all about the klondike bar thing. And he left. And he never looked atv Roy, or his office, or pandas, the same way again.

* * *

**Waaaaaah! I forgot what I was going to make pride do! So, i just made him forget about it all:) **  



	9. Roy Mustang again

Roy Musatng was sitting in his office doodling on some very important paperwork. Pride had gotten him again with those damn klondike bar tasks. His ice-cream truck had run out of klonidikes anyways.

Roy sighed. Any second now. Any second now. uh-huh. annnny second now...

knock knock

Roy frowned.

" Come in" Roy said.

Riza walked in. She was carrying some important papers and a gun in a plastic bag.

"Colonel I-" She began, but Roy intterupted.

" Hey hottie with a body that I wanna seduce tonight. Is it raining hottness in here or is that just you?" Roy said.

Riza froze and began to think about what she had just heard.

Roy frowned. He REALLY wanted that Klondike.

* * *

Meanwhile, at that the other side of Centrel HQ, Jean Havoc was smoking a cigarette and wondering why he had a guinea pig on his head.

Havoc heard a girly, high pitched scream of pain.

" OOOO(cheerio!)OOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! YOU SHOT MY EYE OUT!"

Havoc lifted and eyebrow. That was odd. Hey wait a minute, that sounded like Roy! Oh no! He must be in mortal pain! But, Havoc had to worry about his own freakin' problems. Specificaly about the vampire that was going to suck his blood.

* * *

And that...is actually how Roy got his eyepatch. Riza shot his eye out. 


End file.
